Wishing and wondering

I have spent a fair bit of the last year wishing or wondering.  I am talking about my small wishes at home not my big wishes – like global peace, an end to oppression in countries like North Korea and a stop to continued worldwide violence and suffering.  My wishes at home have been so much smaller but have still taken up so much of my head space.

I have wished…

  • I didn’t feel sick (morning sickness), that I didn’t need to lie down
  • That I wasn’t vomiting (more morning sickness)
  • That I wasn’t exhausted (more pregnancy effects and having three children)
  • That I had a daughter – that I got to be a real mother,  that I wasn’t living and experiencing someones worse nightmare
  • That my friends and family were not struggling – experiencing pain and bullying amongst other things
  • That things would end,  that I could go back and make different choices, that things weren’t so hard
  • That friends who can’t have children could or that I could have given them a child
  • That my children wouldn’t tantrum and fuss and just behave (I know this is a perfection that doesn’t exist)
  • That I could loose my pregnancy baby weight as easily as everyone around me (I have wished I wasn’t ‘chubby’ to start with)
  • That I could have a natural birth – avoiding the my third c-section, that I could feel like a real mother
  • That things were just easy for a while
  • That we didn’t have to battle to keep things like guns and pirates out of my sons play, that others wouldn’t tell him to lie about it ( we believe in being honest about the impact of these things and believing that playing these games starts to make it feel normal – a blog post for another day)
  • That it was easy to get help and support for Postnatal depression,  that I could have the things that helped like my magic chiropractor and acupuncture everyday
  • That postnatal depression didn’t make me feel like a failure
  • That postnatal depression chose someone else and not me
  • That I was stronger
  • That I felt people understood how it feels to be me and to have postnatal depression, that people understood how much it has affected me
  • That people understood that despite having postnatal depression(feeling sad and awful) and wanting a girl I still love all my boys
  • That I felt I was a good enough mother

The wishes could go on all day.  I have wondered…

  • What I have done to deserve postnatal depression
  • Why nothing we tried to have a girl worked (yes- we tried all sorts of things)
  • If we should have paid to visit the US and gender selected our third child (yes you can really do that, and no I am not sure I am ok with it)
  • Why me – just to anything and everything
  • Why simple things can be so hard when you are far from feeling 100%
  • Why we aren’t more honest, or open about our struggles, our battles and how we really feel, why we aren’t honest about most things
  • Why around 75% of babies being born where I live are boys
  • Why people think it is ok for children to play violent games, to play with guns, to play pirates (all of which are real and kill people everyday)
  • Why it feels like things keep going wrong
  • Why I keep getting it wrong
  • Why I have such a supportive and caring husband – who has stuck beside me no matter what
  • Why everything I like is expensive and usually Scandinavian
  • How I can love my boys so much and that despite everything they love me
  • Why we are all so hard on ourselves
  • Why people feel the need to hurt others and put others down,
  • How I can stop hurting and upsetting people I care about
  • Why everyone feels the need to comment on the fact that I have three boys, why it is usually with a pitying and negative tone,
  • Why being a parent is so lonely and so hard
  • Why I so often feel on the outside – like I don’t fit in – like I am somehow different or strange
  • Why I can’t just be happy
  • Why when you ask for help people make you feel so small and so useless

Like the wishes the wonders could go on all day.  I know I am lucky,  I am sitting in a warm house, in a beautiful place with a healthy and happy family around me and I am grateful, so grateful.

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