One week till mothers day. It is such an interesting day – a day to appreciate our mothers, a day to be stressed (often the dads) and a day to rush from one mother to another. Then there is always the question from the kids about when kids day is.
Last year we had a fantastic mothers day by having a long weekend in Wellington – every meal out and just a great weekend away. This year will be my first mothers day with Finn, the first mothers day as a mum of three and as a mum of just boys. In the back of my mind is the thought that one day my boys will be too busy looking after their wives/partners to be a part of my day.
We have celebrated mothers day with both my mum and my mother in law already yet this week I started to feel anxious about mothers day. I realised that the last year as a mother has been incredibly challenging for me and for my family. I have lived postnatal depression for the last year and as a mother I have been so far from my best. On the surface my children look happy and well cared for, the real story is that they have lived postnatal depression with me – the tears, the anger, the tiredness, the sadness and ‘sorry, mum can’t do this right now.” I have had to focus on myself far more than I have wanted to and have had to let so many dreams of what I should be doing with them go. I feel daily guilt for the things I know I should or could be doing that I am not doing.
Max may say I am the best mum in the world – it doesn’t mean I believe it. I have the days where I feel like the boys deserve a better mum, especially Finn. The days where I just feel exhausted – not that I don’t love my boys just that I am tired. The days when I see my role as a parent stretching endlessly ahead – where I am overwhelmed.
This year I just feel like I don’t want to acknowledge my role as a mother. I don’t want to celebrate the fact that I am a mother. I just don’t feel like I have done enough to deserve that focus and attention. Mothers day seems to remind me of everything I wanted to be and everything that I should be. Despite the fact that my mum is away I would rather focus on the amazing job she has done both as a mother and as a grandma. I want to show how grateful I am for all her constant support and love.
This Sunday I am going to acknowledge that my mums role as a parent has never ended, my mum is always there for me and for my children. And I am going to thank my boys (my husband and Dad included) for supporting me and being there for me everyday.
To all the mothers out there – thank you, I hope you all have a great mothers day. And hugs to all of those whose mothers day is tough.