Fear. Such a big thing. So huge for me in the last year and a half. A giant part of the postnatal depression me – or just me. As a child I don’t remember fear – yes their were times I may have been scared but not the big long term fears like I have now. As an adult the fear began – would I always be single, would we ever have enough money for a house, would my husband be made redundant again – many of these fears had a plan b, an alternative that would mean things would be ok and that I would still have some control.
My fears like negativity tend to grow in me like a monster – sometimes the monster is tiny and silly, other days the monster is huge, immovable and impending. An impending sense of doom, an impending monster has definitely been around a bit too much.
The fear became something different once I became pregnant with Finn. It started with a scan where his measurements weren’t quite right – I was scared, scared he wouldn’t be ok, scared we hadn’t made the right choice to have a third child, scared everything would be too difficult with three, scared my family didn’t want him or me (I told my big boys they were going to be brothers again and they told the rest of my family), scared I wasn’t strong enough, scared I wouldn’t love him enough, scared he wouldn’t be cute, just scared it wouldn’t be ok. Most of these fears have gone, a few new ones have crept in.
A big fear for me recently has been the fear of having three teenage boys, not understanding them, not liking them, not knowing how to parent them. I always wanted babies, children I quite liked (in my former life I was a primary school teacher), teenagers were always a different story – maybe because I wasn’t a happy teenager. I am really lucky to have some amazing teenage girls in my life but for some reason teenage boys scare me. It always seems to be about the negative side of teenage boys. Today I encountered a few teenage boys – other peoples boys often bring out my fears. I also did my birthday shopping for my 7 year olds birthday in November today – this reminded me how soon it will be that I will have teenagers. The fear crept back in.
My postnatal depression has been like a magnifying glass to my fears – for my husbands job security, for my future, for the boys, for my family. Just plain old unspecified and irrational fear. I am lucky that things have been getting better and that my husband is very good at reassuring me, that the monster is normally under control. Today was just one of those days that the fear monster was a bit bigger than he should have been.